Saturday, December 25, 2010

Saturday, December 25, 2010

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! I hope you had a lovely day celebrating with your family and friends!

Here's how my day went. We didn't get to sleep last night until... well... this morning. Shorty was TOO excited for Santa to come that he couldn't calm down and sleep until about 12:30 this morning. I had some wrapping to do and had to lay all of "Santa's" stuff out so I was up till about 1:15 am.

Then around 4:00 this morning, there was a LOUD bang! I thought someone was breaking in. I was seriously freaked out. I quickly put on my glasses and held my phone in my had with my finger on the "9" just in case. I was staring at the bedroom door just waiting for someone to walk down my hall. After about 10 minutes of me almost peeing my pants, I got up really quick, closed and locked the bedroom door. Shorty just happened to be sleeping in with me so I felt we were both safe in there. 20 minutes went by and nothing. Then 30... and 40 minutes. I was driving myself crazy so I texted a friend that I knew was awake (he works graveyard shift). He helped calm me down. He said "if someone broke in a half hour ago, you'd know it by now. I'm sure it was just an outside noise."

Still, it kept me up till 5:30 this morning. I eventually fell asleep, with my door closed and locked, but woke up every hour after that. Then, at 7:35 am... SHORTY WOKE UP! I was exhausted and so was he. In fact, I practically had to convince him to roll out of bed to open presents! lol.

So anyway, zillions of presents and some Bible reading later, we went to my family's house. I had only 2 Hershey's kisses. There was TONS of candy there but I just was not craving it. Not after the last 2 nights I'd had.

Oh, side note... I don't think I've blogged completely about my emotional nights but here they are in a nutshell. So you remember my previous posts about being lonely around the holidays etc? Well, it's been a bit lonely and emotional these last couple nights. I've been sitting on the couch, all alone, watching Christmas movies... wishing I had someone to cuddle up with. blah, blah, blah. In the past, these emotional nights send me into a carb-coma. I go crazy and eat everything in sight... like somehow the food is going to make things better. These last 2 nights, while I haven't gone that extreme, I have definitely eaten more than I needed and haven't made the best choices. With all the holiday candy and treats around me, they were the easy targets for my emotional binges.

I SCREWED UP! I know that. I am so mad at myself for eating that crap! I have been so committed to this challenge and have seen great results and over the past 48 hours, I feel like I just threw that all away. In fact, I'm not sure if I'll be at a scale tomorrow so I went ahead and weighed in today... I maintained. I'm still at roughly 323 lbs. It's hella frustrating. I have done well this entire week and stuck to my calories, but in 48 hours of weakness, the hard work doesn't matter. My period is done. My cold is almost all gone (gotta love meds!!!). So I should have seen a big loss on the scale. But no. It was more important for me to scarf down that candy cane when no one was looking and eat a late night lean cuisine because I was "hungry" at midnight. It didn't help me then. It doesn't help me now.


So yah, I'm frustrated about that. I mean, I guess it's a good thing I didn't gain any weight. But still, maintaining weight isn't doing anything for me or my health. I need to lose it... and FAST!!! So I have 1 more week until this year is over and a new one begins. That's 1 week to focus 110% on eating right, exercising and drinking my water. Nothing else matters. I can't focus on my idiot ex husband or the bills I can't pay or the job I can't seem to find anywhere. Sure, those things are important, but they distract me from my goals.

It's really hard for me to stay on track when I'm home all day. At least when Shorty is in school, I'm running around all day so I'm keeping busy and my meals are pretty much planned. But when I'm home all day, I'm near the food all day. Temptation is everywhere. And when I'm bored, it's far too easy to reach for food instead of water.

I HATE BEING FAT!!!! This time next year, I want to be able to receive clothes as a Christmas present without having to worry about being to fat to wear them. I want to be able to resist all holiday treats because I don't want them, not because I "can't have them or I'll get fatter". I want to be able to strut my stuff at holiday parties instead of skipping them all because I'm too fat and don't have anything pretty to wear.

The majority of my fat life, I've been a 2x or size 22-24. Never any bigger. But these past 6 months, I've been a 3x or 4x, size 26-28. It's incredibly embarassing. Forget that. It's HUMILIATING.... going into a plus size store and being to big for their biggest size clothing. A few months ago I went to Fashion Bug (size 28 is the max) to get some jeans. Not a single pair fit me. Not the 28's. Not even the stretchy ones. Well, technically some of them fit me, but I had major camel-toe and indented rolls... not a pretty sight. Then tonight, as a gift, I got some gorgeous flannel pajama pants with BLING! They were a 3x... just tried them on and they don't fit up my ass. DISAPPOINTING!!!!

So, though it's been a perfect Christmas day, it's been an emotional and disappointing 48 hours. I'm ready for tomorrow to start because it's a new day with new chances to friggin' get back on track. I know what's important to me and I want it bad. I have to stop letting my emotions, my loneliness and my fear sabotage the hard work I've put in already for a better me!

How was your Christmas? How did you do around all the holiday sweets? Do you have any disappointments or frustrations from this week? Do share!!!


  1. I'll send you many, many happy thoughts. Because you definitely deserve them. Even though things are hard emotionally and physically, you know you have people who love you and support you and want to see you do well. You're a wonderful woman and have been given a lot to handle in your life. But since you've done so well so far, I know you can keep going and keep doing awesome. :)

  2. you've had a couple rough days. I can totally understand... but food isn't going to help you. :) Time to get back on that horse. You are a strong woman and I know you can do it! Glad you had a good Christmas Day.

  3. Kat, I am heading to the gym, but when I get back I will talk with you. What you did is EXACTLY what I used to do, so I DO understand.
    For now, get back on the horse and head in the RIGHT direction.

  4. Hi Kat,

    I have just been reading your goals, and YES, you can lose three more pounds in time for year's end so you can reach your 10 pound loss goal by New Year's Eve.

    I know how hard it is to lose when your heart is heavy, but please remember that your goals include loving yourself on the inside, feeling whole and complete with who you are.

    I find that for me, I have to get my head on straight in order to make any progress in losing weight. Instead of focusing on losing weight, I try to focus on getting healthy. When I am in the gym and my butt is dragging and I still have 40 minutes or 25 minutes of workout still to go, I focus my mind on how good I will FEEL when I LOOK healthier. I want to be strong and healthy again, and nothing worthwhile that I have ever had in my life has come cheap. And in the final round, we have only ourselves and our higher power to count on. We have to do the work. We put the weight on; now we have to take it off, and that is a heck of a lot harder to do.

    Please don't get discouraged. Please don't allow your loneliness to become a roadblock to health. There are literally dozens of great blogs here with wonderful role models, all of whom are dealing with their own challenges, some similar to yours, some very different, but challenges nonetheless.

    For example, I am not alone, but I am lonely. I am married, but I am not in a relationship. Instead, I am in an arrangement, and it is frequently not easy. In fact, it is not easy most of the time. But I choose to be where I am, because my husband has cancer and I won't let him go through that alone. He deserves better, and he will get it from me.

    Does that take care of my needs? Not at all. But life is a series of choices. I hope you choose health this week.

    Sending you best wishes for a great week.