Today has been the laziest, most unproductive day ever.... but I feel rested and rejuvenated.
I've really been struggling, emotionally, these last few weeks. It's hard being a single mom. But even more so at the holidays. To add to the emotions, my son has been asking a lot about his dad and it's killed me... literally killed me... to have to answer his questions. I'm spending a lot of extra time in prayer and reading my Bible which definitely helps. I just can't help myself watching a Christmas movie or commercial and crying like a big ol' baby. I miss having a hubby to buy presents for. I miss watching the jewlery commercials and wondering which luscious piece of BLING I was gonna find under the tree Christmas morning. I miss snuggling up in bed on a cold(ish) winter night. I miss having a date for holiday parties. I MISS IT ALL!!!!
But I'll tell ya what I don't miss. I don't miss the name calling. I don't miss hiding under long sleeves so no one can see my bruises. I don't miss sleeping with a knife under my bed "just in case". I don't miss being beaten and raped by my husband. I don't miss the psychological games that were played. I don't miss feeling stuck in my own life, like I'll never do better than this. That I do NOT miss.
So quite honestly, I know I'm better off now. I just feel so lonely sometimes. From a psychological standpoint, and through many counseling sessions, I know I have treated food as a comfort. Why? I have no idea. I guess I didn't use the "other" drugs because I thought those were so much worse. I didn't want to be the single mom who was on drugs and had her child taken from her. So I ate. And I ate... and ate... and ate. I remember when my marriage got really bad, I'd stay awake all night and eat. I had to stay awake to make sure nothing happened to my kids while I was sleeping.
And then in the morning, I'd get yelled at for eating all the food. I was told I couldn't have any money to get groceries and would have to "starve". So I'd find a way to get money from our account, buy way more food than we needed and stuff my face. Kinda like I'LL SHOW YOU!!! And this cycle went on and on and on. I tried so many times to leave. I had no where to go... literally. All the shelters were full, friends turned me down, the church I was going to turned me down (after they insisted I stay with my violent husband and "work it out") and my family wasn't thrilled about taking me in. To this day, they still give my crap about coming home so many times.
So anyway, I saved every penny I could. I went through a phase where I wasn't eating much. I was making myself sick by not eating much just so I could save money to move out... or at least stay in a hotel for a week or SOMETHING! I just wanted to be safe. He'd give me an allowance for diapers, formula, etc. I had to give him a receipt. But I'd buy some things for my friends... things that we used too... and the friends would give me cash for it. I sold some things online without him knowing. And literally the night I decided I had enough... HE FOUND IT! He went postal. Destroyed everything in our room. Threw the bed and nightstand at me (oy! That hurt!). Broke picture frames. Pinned me down and took my wedding ring from me. CRAZY!!!!!
I'm gonna stop right there.
I am happy to share the rest of the story some other time. I think everyone should hear it because I was that person who said "oh no. That would never happen to me. If my husband ever hit me I'd be gone." But let me tell you, it's not that easy. Until you go through something like that, YOU DON"T KNOW!!!!
I brought that up only to say, that is where my food addiction came into play. Before my nasty marriage, I was "thick". But not in an unhealthy way. During my marriage I gained about 80 lbs. Then I gained about 25 more from my divorce and another 25 from the post-divorce chaos. I'm tired of seeing the scale go up and up... and that's why I'm finally doing something about it. Every day I resist a cookie or force myself to drink an extra bottle of water, I relive the emotions that caused me to get to this point.
Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just give up. Just let myself die from fatness or whatever. But then I look at this gorgeous little boy I've been blessed with and remember just how much God loves me. He knew I would too easily give up. He knew how defeated I would feel after what I'd been through. And He knew that my only hope for living again was to give me another human being to be responsible for. Man! I seriously thank God for that blessing each and every day.
And that is what I try to focus on when I'm going through this internal battle over food and emotions and loneliness.... I get a second chance and everything! I have this little boy that I get to raise into an incredible man and teach him the right way to treat a woman. I may not get a prince charming but I get to be responsible for creating some other girl's prince charming. That's a pretty special gift. Better than any piece of BLING under the Christmas tree, if you ask me!