Oh my goodness. It's been a crazy busy couple of days. 'Tis the season, I suppose. From the patio decorating contest (which I, sadly, didn't win), cookie exchange parties, the holiday musical at my son's school today, other school parties, family parties, the women's dessert at church and finishing up the hand-made presents for family and friends, it's been go go go this past week. But I love it, I really do! I enjoy keeping busy... especially with holiday activities.
[Boys: skip this paragraph.] Yesterday I got my period. For any other girl, this sux. BUT, I have only had about 5 periods in the last 5 years. Sure, you might say "lucky!" but when I do get it, it's extremely painful. I'm insanely emotional (thus my last blog post), craving sugar and junk food with a passion, bloated, cranky, tired, etc. It ruins me for the week I have it. Needless to say, I'm nervous for my weigh-in this week. Between cramps and bloating and the overall BLAH feeling, I don't know what to expect. I haven't gone crazy eating all the junk in sight like I normally do so that's good. I just feel super huge right now.
Anyway, so since I won't be able to weigh-in before 6pm EST (per ALLAN'S request), I will either be weighing in tonight or tomorrow as I'll be at my Mom's house. WISH ME LUCK!!!! I've counted calories. I've drank the water. I've made good food choices... even when I had meals outside the home. I've turned down meal-out invitations. I've watched myself at parties and counted every morsel of food that passed my lips. I just, like I said, feel HUGE right now. HugeER than normal. Yah, being bloated does that!
I'm about to take a nap with my munchkin. I shared my bed last night with about 5 loads of laundry. I was just NOT in the mood yesterday to fold it and put it away. Between that and the cramps, I didn't get much sleep. So I'm hella tired. We have a Christmas-movie-and-popcorn-night at my Moms tonight so I wanted to be rested and in a good mood. I can't believe it's 8 days until Christmas. What a BEAUTIFUL time of year!!!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Lonliness, Emotions, Food Addiction... And Now It's Time For Bed!
Today has been the laziest, most unproductive day ever.... but I feel rested and rejuvenated.
I've really been struggling, emotionally, these last few weeks. It's hard being a single mom. But even more so at the holidays. To add to the emotions, my son has been asking a lot about his dad and it's killed me... literally killed me... to have to answer his questions. I'm spending a lot of extra time in prayer and reading my Bible which definitely helps. I just can't help myself watching a Christmas movie or commercial and crying like a big ol' baby. I miss having a hubby to buy presents for. I miss watching the jewlery commercials and wondering which luscious piece of BLING I was gonna find under the tree Christmas morning. I miss snuggling up in bed on a cold(ish) winter night. I miss having a date for holiday parties. I MISS IT ALL!!!!
But I'll tell ya what I don't miss. I don't miss the name calling. I don't miss hiding under long sleeves so no one can see my bruises. I don't miss sleeping with a knife under my bed "just in case". I don't miss being beaten and raped by my husband. I don't miss the psychological games that were played. I don't miss feeling stuck in my own life, like I'll never do better than this. That I do NOT miss.
So quite honestly, I know I'm better off now. I just feel so lonely sometimes. From a psychological standpoint, and through many counseling sessions, I know I have treated food as a comfort. Why? I have no idea. I guess I didn't use the "other" drugs because I thought those were so much worse. I didn't want to be the single mom who was on drugs and had her child taken from her. So I ate. And I ate... and ate... and ate. I remember when my marriage got really bad, I'd stay awake all night and eat. I had to stay awake to make sure nothing happened to my kids while I was sleeping.
And then in the morning, I'd get yelled at for eating all the food. I was told I couldn't have any money to get groceries and would have to "starve". So I'd find a way to get money from our account, buy way more food than we needed and stuff my face. Kinda like I'LL SHOW YOU!!! And this cycle went on and on and on. I tried so many times to leave. I had no where to go... literally. All the shelters were full, friends turned me down, the church I was going to turned me down (after they insisted I stay with my violent husband and "work it out") and my family wasn't thrilled about taking me in. To this day, they still give my crap about coming home so many times.
So anyway, I saved every penny I could. I went through a phase where I wasn't eating much. I was making myself sick by not eating much just so I could save money to move out... or at least stay in a hotel for a week or SOMETHING! I just wanted to be safe. He'd give me an allowance for diapers, formula, etc. I had to give him a receipt. But I'd buy some things for my friends... things that we used too... and the friends would give me cash for it. I sold some things online without him knowing. And literally the night I decided I had enough... HE FOUND IT! He went postal. Destroyed everything in our room. Threw the bed and nightstand at me (oy! That hurt!). Broke picture frames. Pinned me down and took my wedding ring from me. CRAZY!!!!!
I'm gonna stop right there.
I am happy to share the rest of the story some other time. I think everyone should hear it because I was that person who said "oh no. That would never happen to me. If my husband ever hit me I'd be gone." But let me tell you, it's not that easy. Until you go through something like that, YOU DON"T KNOW!!!!
I brought that up only to say, that is where my food addiction came into play. Before my nasty marriage, I was "thick". But not in an unhealthy way. During my marriage I gained about 80 lbs. Then I gained about 25 more from my divorce and another 25 from the post-divorce chaos. I'm tired of seeing the scale go up and up... and that's why I'm finally doing something about it. Every day I resist a cookie or force myself to drink an extra bottle of water, I relive the emotions that caused me to get to this point.
Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just give up. Just let myself die from fatness or whatever. But then I look at this gorgeous little boy I've been blessed with and remember just how much God loves me. He knew I would too easily give up. He knew how defeated I would feel after what I'd been through. And He knew that my only hope for living again was to give me another human being to be responsible for. Man! I seriously thank God for that blessing each and every day.
And that is what I try to focus on when I'm going through this internal battle over food and emotions and loneliness.... I get a second chance and everything! I have this little boy that I get to raise into an incredible man and teach him the right way to treat a woman. I may not get a prince charming but I get to be responsible for creating some other girl's prince charming. That's a pretty special gift. Better than any piece of BLING under the Christmas tree, if you ask me!
I've really been struggling, emotionally, these last few weeks. It's hard being a single mom. But even more so at the holidays. To add to the emotions, my son has been asking a lot about his dad and it's killed me... literally killed me... to have to answer his questions. I'm spending a lot of extra time in prayer and reading my Bible which definitely helps. I just can't help myself watching a Christmas movie or commercial and crying like a big ol' baby. I miss having a hubby to buy presents for. I miss watching the jewlery commercials and wondering which luscious piece of BLING I was gonna find under the tree Christmas morning. I miss snuggling up in bed on a cold(ish) winter night. I miss having a date for holiday parties. I MISS IT ALL!!!!
But I'll tell ya what I don't miss. I don't miss the name calling. I don't miss hiding under long sleeves so no one can see my bruises. I don't miss sleeping with a knife under my bed "just in case". I don't miss being beaten and raped by my husband. I don't miss the psychological games that were played. I don't miss feeling stuck in my own life, like I'll never do better than this. That I do NOT miss.
So quite honestly, I know I'm better off now. I just feel so lonely sometimes. From a psychological standpoint, and through many counseling sessions, I know I have treated food as a comfort. Why? I have no idea. I guess I didn't use the "other" drugs because I thought those were so much worse. I didn't want to be the single mom who was on drugs and had her child taken from her. So I ate. And I ate... and ate... and ate. I remember when my marriage got really bad, I'd stay awake all night and eat. I had to stay awake to make sure nothing happened to my kids while I was sleeping.
And then in the morning, I'd get yelled at for eating all the food. I was told I couldn't have any money to get groceries and would have to "starve". So I'd find a way to get money from our account, buy way more food than we needed and stuff my face. Kinda like I'LL SHOW YOU!!! And this cycle went on and on and on. I tried so many times to leave. I had no where to go... literally. All the shelters were full, friends turned me down, the church I was going to turned me down (after they insisted I stay with my violent husband and "work it out") and my family wasn't thrilled about taking me in. To this day, they still give my crap about coming home so many times.
So anyway, I saved every penny I could. I went through a phase where I wasn't eating much. I was making myself sick by not eating much just so I could save money to move out... or at least stay in a hotel for a week or SOMETHING! I just wanted to be safe. He'd give me an allowance for diapers, formula, etc. I had to give him a receipt. But I'd buy some things for my friends... things that we used too... and the friends would give me cash for it. I sold some things online without him knowing. And literally the night I decided I had enough... HE FOUND IT! He went postal. Destroyed everything in our room. Threw the bed and nightstand at me (oy! That hurt!). Broke picture frames. Pinned me down and took my wedding ring from me. CRAZY!!!!!
I'm gonna stop right there.
I am happy to share the rest of the story some other time. I think everyone should hear it because I was that person who said "oh no. That would never happen to me. If my husband ever hit me I'd be gone." But let me tell you, it's not that easy. Until you go through something like that, YOU DON"T KNOW!!!!
I brought that up only to say, that is where my food addiction came into play. Before my nasty marriage, I was "thick". But not in an unhealthy way. During my marriage I gained about 80 lbs. Then I gained about 25 more from my divorce and another 25 from the post-divorce chaos. I'm tired of seeing the scale go up and up... and that's why I'm finally doing something about it. Every day I resist a cookie or force myself to drink an extra bottle of water, I relive the emotions that caused me to get to this point.
Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just give up. Just let myself die from fatness or whatever. But then I look at this gorgeous little boy I've been blessed with and remember just how much God loves me. He knew I would too easily give up. He knew how defeated I would feel after what I'd been through. And He knew that my only hope for living again was to give me another human being to be responsible for. Man! I seriously thank God for that blessing each and every day.
And that is what I try to focus on when I'm going through this internal battle over food and emotions and loneliness.... I get a second chance and everything! I have this little boy that I get to raise into an incredible man and teach him the right way to treat a woman. I may not get a prince charming but I get to be responsible for creating some other girl's prince charming. That's a pretty special gift. Better than any piece of BLING under the Christmas tree, if you ask me!
My First Award
Thank you so much Gertie (@ Losing My Jelly Belly.... One Bean At A Time) for my first award! Apparently you enjoy my blog and the fact I'm "rocking the Spawn challenge" to which I humbly say, "THANK YOU!!!!"
In turn, I need to pass this award on to 5 blogs I enjoy! Here are the award recipients:
VEGAN CHICK PEA because, well, we have a history. This girl seriously ROCKS!!!! She's been a huge support for me through my journey. I know we'll both reach our goal weights and one day, we'll get together for a skinny person party!!!
ALMOST GASTRIC BYPASS - the man who has given me the tools to become successful in weight loss and who cares enough about me (and all his other "followers") to tell it like it is!
IT'S NOT A DIET, IT'S A WEIGH OF LIFE - this girl lost almost as much as I did this week. WOO-HOO! She's doing great! Definitely an inspiration!!!
MARCY'S WEIGHT LOSS - I've followed her blog for a while. Definitely an inspiration! Look at how gorgeous she is!!! :-)
LOSING IT WITH RAYCH - Another person who tells it like it is. Fat people need to hear the truth... un-sugar coated!!! Great job, Raych!
So there you have it. If you aren't already following these blogs, please do so. They are all inspiring, entertaining and at times, emotional. Keep up the good work everyone! Let's inspire a healthy nation! :-)
In turn, I need to pass this award on to 5 blogs I enjoy! Here are the award recipients:
VEGAN CHICK PEA because, well, we have a history. This girl seriously ROCKS!!!! She's been a huge support for me through my journey. I know we'll both reach our goal weights and one day, we'll get together for a skinny person party!!!
ALMOST GASTRIC BYPASS - the man who has given me the tools to become successful in weight loss and who cares enough about me (and all his other "followers") to tell it like it is!
IT'S NOT A DIET, IT'S A WEIGH OF LIFE - this girl lost almost as much as I did this week. WOO-HOO! She's doing great! Definitely an inspiration!!!
MARCY'S WEIGHT LOSS - I've followed her blog for a while. Definitely an inspiration! Look at how gorgeous she is!!! :-)
LOSING IT WITH RAYCH - Another person who tells it like it is. Fat people need to hear the truth... un-sugar coated!!! Great job, Raych!
So there you have it. If you aren't already following these blogs, please do so. They are all inspiring, entertaining and at times, emotional. Keep up the good work everyone! Let's inspire a healthy nation! :-)
Day 7 of SSDDD Challenge
I'm hungry this morning. For a brief moment of time, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I ate really good this week, drank a lot and lost 7.6 lbs. That's GREAT! But I worked hard on it. And now I'm thinking Ugh! I have to do that again? And again and again? I know it's lack of self-control that got me here and it's gonna take a LOT of self-control to get me back. But for the past 5 minutes, I've been sulking about it.
Anyway, moving on. My munchkin is home sick today which means a day that I'm home all day. Those days make me nervous... especially with a counter full of cookies from last nights' cookie exchange. But I've convinced myself I don't want to try any of them because I don't know how sanitary people's kitchens were when they baked 'em. I'm a bit of a germ freak so the thought of someone using dirty hands or sneezing on my food just grosses me out. In fact, that's why I don't eat out much. It's a really gross thought!
I look in the mirror and don't see any changes. You'd think losing almost 8 lbs there would be some difference. But than again, on a 320+ lb person, 8 pounds isn't that big of a deal. My hope and prayer is just that the droppage of weight stays consistent. I need this! And yah, it may be a lot of work and some times of much hunger, but the end result will be worth it.
So I just got my new numbers for the week. Well, not really new because the numbers stayed the same. But anyway, since I'm eating "at goal", then I need to consume 188 ounces of water each day to accompany my daily caloric intake of 1,760. And just so you know, those are my numbers. Please don't copy my numbers because those are specially calculated for me. Each person is different. If you want to get your own numbers and join in the next phase of this challenge in January, head on over to ALLAN's blog and sign up with him. It's a lot of work.... but what lifestyle change isn't?!?!
My plan for the day is to clean my entire apartment. We have a friend coming to spend the night Wednesday after our Christmas dessert at church. I want to make sure everything is clean and orderly when she comes over and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, so might as well get it done today! Eating wise, I'm gonna go make myself a breakfast quesedilla with some hot chocolate. Lunch will probably be a lean cuisine and a salad. Dinner will probably be a black bean burger on a whole wheat bun and some broth/soup.
Have a happy Monday!
Anyway, moving on. My munchkin is home sick today which means a day that I'm home all day. Those days make me nervous... especially with a counter full of cookies from last nights' cookie exchange. But I've convinced myself I don't want to try any of them because I don't know how sanitary people's kitchens were when they baked 'em. I'm a bit of a germ freak so the thought of someone using dirty hands or sneezing on my food just grosses me out. In fact, that's why I don't eat out much. It's a really gross thought!
I look in the mirror and don't see any changes. You'd think losing almost 8 lbs there would be some difference. But than again, on a 320+ lb person, 8 pounds isn't that big of a deal. My hope and prayer is just that the droppage of weight stays consistent. I need this! And yah, it may be a lot of work and some times of much hunger, but the end result will be worth it.
So I just got my new numbers for the week. Well, not really new because the numbers stayed the same. But anyway, since I'm eating "at goal", then I need to consume 188 ounces of water each day to accompany my daily caloric intake of 1,760. And just so you know, those are my numbers. Please don't copy my numbers because those are specially calculated for me. Each person is different. If you want to get your own numbers and join in the next phase of this challenge in January, head on over to ALLAN's blog and sign up with him. It's a lot of work.... but what lifestyle change isn't?!?!
My plan for the day is to clean my entire apartment. We have a friend coming to spend the night Wednesday after our Christmas dessert at church. I want to make sure everything is clean and orderly when she comes over and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, so might as well get it done today! Eating wise, I'm gonna go make myself a breakfast quesedilla with some hot chocolate. Lunch will probably be a lean cuisine and a salad. Dinner will probably be a black bean burger on a whole wheat bun and some broth/soup.
Have a happy Monday!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
1st Weigh In
Drum roll please....
I am down 7.6 lbs in 5 1/2 days!!!! WOO-HOO!!!! Granted, a big part of it could be the water weight or just starting something new. But I am totally committed to this and plan to see good results every week! :-)
I am down 7.6 lbs in 5 1/2 days!!!! WOO-HOO!!!! Granted, a big part of it could be the water weight or just starting something new. But I am totally committed to this and plan to see good results every week! :-)
Weigh-In Day / Temptation
So today is weigh-in day... my first weigh in since beginning the challenge. I don't have a scale yet and can't afford to buy one so I've been using my mom's I'll be heading over there in a couple hours so I'll weigh myself and post the results ASAP.
In the meantime, check out what I've been doing all day:
I'm hosting a GIRLS-ONLY COOKIE EXCHANGE tonight.... so I've been baking all day. Rice krispie treats (made by me and my munchkin) and then different holiday chocolate chip cookies. I did have one cookie because, well, it broke. And I knew if I didn't try one then I would end up scarfing some down later. Deprivation is a huge key to overeating. It's ok to enjoy certain things if you absolutely, truly want them... but MODERATION IS KEY!
I know there are some die-hard diet advocates out there (Ahem! ALLAN) that would disagree with me. I mean, don't get me wrong. Sweets are what got us fat. But from a psychological standpoint (my area of expertise) when you deprive yourself of something, especially when you're at a social gathering and everyone else is stuffing their faces, the very second you are behind a closed door you'll go crazy. Chances are you'll eat not only one cookie, or two or three, but a whole dozen! It's far less calories to take a "sample" of something, savor a bite or two, and feel satisfied with that.
So anyway, I was getting really hungry while I was baking. Then I realized I hadn't had lunch yet. So I got some supplies out and made a "pizza".
Whole grain tortillas, 1/4 c. (less, actually) pizza sauce and 2 light string cheeses. It was extremely yummy and I finally found a pizza that I can eat without guilt. The tortilla was 150 calories, sauce was 30 calories and both cheeses were 120 calories together for a grand total of 300 calories. For me, it's a bit low. But I also added the cookie I ate into the equation so my lunch was roughly 400 calories. Not too shabby!
Well that's all I have for now. I need to get a quick rest in before I have to get up and clean, bag all the cookies, get us both ready for tonight, fix a quick dinner (my li'l chef has requested the tortilla pizza!!!) and get my booty over to Mom's house for a weigh-in. Wish me luck!!!!
In the meantime, check out what I've been doing all day:
I'm hosting a GIRLS-ONLY COOKIE EXCHANGE tonight.... so I've been baking all day. Rice krispie treats (made by me and my munchkin) and then different holiday chocolate chip cookies. I did have one cookie because, well, it broke. And I knew if I didn't try one then I would end up scarfing some down later. Deprivation is a huge key to overeating. It's ok to enjoy certain things if you absolutely, truly want them... but MODERATION IS KEY!
I know there are some die-hard diet advocates out there (Ahem! ALLAN) that would disagree with me. I mean, don't get me wrong. Sweets are what got us fat. But from a psychological standpoint (my area of expertise) when you deprive yourself of something, especially when you're at a social gathering and everyone else is stuffing their faces, the very second you are behind a closed door you'll go crazy. Chances are you'll eat not only one cookie, or two or three, but a whole dozen! It's far less calories to take a "sample" of something, savor a bite or two, and feel satisfied with that.
So anyway, I was getting really hungry while I was baking. Then I realized I hadn't had lunch yet. So I got some supplies out and made a "pizza".
Whole grain tortillas, 1/4 c. (less, actually) pizza sauce and 2 light string cheeses. It was extremely yummy and I finally found a pizza that I can eat without guilt. The tortilla was 150 calories, sauce was 30 calories and both cheeses were 120 calories together for a grand total of 300 calories. For me, it's a bit low. But I also added the cookie I ate into the equation so my lunch was roughly 400 calories. Not too shabby!
Well that's all I have for now. I need to get a quick rest in before I have to get up and clean, bag all the cookies, get us both ready for tonight, fix a quick dinner (my li'l chef has requested the tortilla pizza!!!) and get my booty over to Mom's house for a weigh-in. Wish me luck!!!!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Full Food Log For Today
Breakfast- Grilled cheese! (400 calories) and pumpkin spice drink (130 calories)
Lunch- PB&J on whole grain bread and an apple. Oh, and I did have 1 hershey's kiss. (approx 400 calories)
Snack- 2 light string cheeses (120 calories), 4 triscuts (40 calories) and 10 ounces of broth (10 calories) = 170 calories
2nd Snack/1st Dinner- 10 ounces of broth before dinner. (10 calories) 1 whole grain tortilla (120 calories) w/ 2 tbsp. peanut butter (180 calories)
2nd Dinner- 2 1/2 slices of a small cheese pizza.(400 calories)
Shameful Snack- remaining 1 1/2 slices of pizza (240 calories)
Total Calories For The Day: 2,050
I am so PISSED at myself for eating that last 1 1/2 pieces of pizza. I realize that after one week, I am so not strong enough to resist temptation. Pizza is my weakness. I should have known better than to go out. And I think I did ok with the 2 1/2 pieces... but then my mom insisted I take home the leftovers (2 1/2 slices) so my son could have it tomorrow. She played the guilt trip of "I bought that pizza for you guys... don't waste it!" So I took it. I hid it in the car so I wouldn't be tempted by it but then when my son said he was hungry while we were driving around looking at lights, I gave him a piece and that was it. I ate the other one... and couldn't leave a half a piece behind. Right?
DARNIT!!!!
I know complete transformation doesn't happen overnight. I get that. But I have done so good this week and I'm just really irritated with myself right now. I mean, in all fairness, 2,050 is still way less than I've been eating. It's still an OK amount. And I don't think I'm too worries with that... it's just what I ate. I think my choices during the day were ok. But that pizza?!?! Oy-vey. Not cool.
What do you think, tho... next time, if I just stick to 2 pieces, does that sound ok? I know I have to be strong enough to say NO to a 3rd piece. And really, I don't think I wanted it. It's just because it was there... and we were all chatting and everyone else was eating a 3rd and 4th and 5th piece, etc. But if I can stick to 2 pieces, every once in a while, then I think that's ok. It's still enjoying food out with friends and family but not going crazy. Right???
I guess the one good thing is that I've certainly had enough to drink today. I have a pretty pink 22 ounce water bottle that I've filled up 6 times... plus 20 ounces of broth... and 12 ounces of pumpkin spice. I'm sure I'll drink one more full water bottle (22 ounces) before bed! That's a total of 186 ounces today... if I did my math right!
UGH! Why is it sooooo easy to GAIN the weight but SO MUCH HARDER to lose it? It's just not fair. I want to be able to enjoy a meal out with family and friends without having to worry about my meal making me gain weight or move up to the next size bigger clothing. But the reality is, I can't. I ate my way to this disgusting weight and now I have to work hard on going back to a healthy weight. I really hate that I let myself get this big and I hate that this is something I have to even talk about.
But in the scope of the big picture, I know this is just a slip up. It's gonna happen. Just like an addict of any other drug, there's temptations and occasional slip-ups. The important thing is going to be learning from this and making sure it doesn't happen again.
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always be where you've always been."
That's what I don't want to happen. I don't want to make a mistake and then make it again. I want to learn from it and make the changes necessary so it doesn't happen again. Make sense?
Alright, I guess I'm done beating myself up for one night. On to better choices tomorrow....
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